Navigating Christmas with Grief: My Top 10 Tips
As we approach the holiday season, I want to share with you some heartfelt tips to guide you through the challenges of Christmas while navigating the complexities of grief and loss. These tips are crafted with empathy and understanding, acknowledging the unique journey each one of us undertakes.
Tip 1: Acknowledge the Differences in Your Holiday Experience
Grief and celebration may seem like an unlikely pair, but by acknowledging the differences and accepting that the holidays will be different for us, we pave the way for managing the emotional ups and downs more effectively. This awareness allows us to navigate the season with a sense of predictability, making it somewhat easier.
Tip 2: Seek Help and Embrace Support
I am not alone in this journey. Being a loss-parent can be incredibly isolating, especially during the festive season. I encourage you to reach out for help and find the support you need. Various organisations and individuals understand our struggle and are here to offer a helping hand, including me, here at The Baby Loss Mentor. Don't hesitate to lean on us for support. You do NOT need to suffer in silence
If you are struggling with your baby loss this season please don’t do it alone... if it’s the first year without them or the 10th, this can be such a difficult time.
Everyone has had it so tough since 2020 - it has really affected our emotions heading into this season. We’re collectively tired, actually exhausted. I want to enjoy this Christmas with my family - it is going to be so fun! - I also just want to sleep until 2024. But I find that talking to others, my mentor and my family I get some energy to move forward, put up a tree , do the Christmas ‘things’. I am also aware that it is ok to feel like this. I’m doing it all in a very relaxed (for me) fashion too.
If you want more personalised support to help you get through festive seasons, move through your triggers & find peace within your journey reach out HERE
Tip 3: Remember and Honour Your Baby
Take intentional time to honour and remember your precious baby during the holidays. Create a space for reflection, looking back, and imagining. Whether it's lighting a candle, revisiting photos, or simply sitting with your thoughts, this practice can be a therapeutic way to connect with your precious memories.
I like to carve out a bit of time (usually Christmas Eve when I finally take a breath) to sit for a couple of hours with a candle lit and look at Edwards photos and think of all the things he might have done this year with his brothers or class and even what I might have given him for Christmas. I don't journal (although you could) I just sit with him and his photos, I cry, I smile and I imagine. That's all I have so it is what I do.
Tip 4: Embrace New Traditions
Acknowledge that traditions may need to change, and that's okay. Embrace new traditions that resonate with your evolving journey. Dedicate a section of the tree to your baby, involve your living children, or adopt new practices that bring comfort and joy during the holiday season. Decide which you want to keep for yourself. Things have changed for you and it’s ok to change what you do - it’s also ok if it feels better to keep things how they’ve always been.
I’ve always been a bit of a grinch at Christmas (I love it deep down but it’s so uuurrgghhh after 20 years in retail at Christmas = fucking thing of nightmares)
Some new traditions that help me cope:
Dedicate a section of the tree to Edward and put his special ornaments there.
I now have 2 living children so I let them decorate the rest of the tree now, I really just want them to have a happy experience and I’m not ‘that’ into it (but I do move some really annoying placements of baubles …. Can’t help myself)
Light a candle
We adopted an Elf on The Shelf so that I could get more into the spirit … a little bit each day anyway lol IYKYK. we named him Ted.
Edward has a seat at the table. Always.
We donate a gift to the giving tree at Big W or Kmart for a boy his age now.
Traditions & routines may need to change and that’s ok, there is a ‘New Normal’, it’s how it is for us.
Tip 5: Make Lists and Stay Organised
Amid the fog of grief, create lists to stay organised. Keeping track of important dates and information can help ease the burden on your overwhelmed mind.
Maybe Santa started his list whilst grieving, because I can totally understand making a list and checking it twice, thrice, 10 times!! Find a way that works for you, this is not a bad thing, it is you taking your power and some control back. Like traditions, it just looks a bit different to before loss.
Ideas I’ve found work:
A ‘command centre’ in the kitchen
shopping list
quick brain dumps
todays plan
to do
(I have a medium @dailyorders one and I love it)
My phone calendar
Notes function of phone - I have set up in there :
‘TO DO’ note. (With heading size Monday - Sunday and then anything I have to write down on a certain day it’s set up.)
‘SHOPPING LIST’
‘2023 birthdays/Christmas’
‘Ideas’
one note for each son
(also you can open these and use the microphone function and speak to it and it notes it down - And Siri 😜 has my back when I can’t open it and will note it in here too)
I have a large month-to-a-page planner as I just don’t use a written diary any more and it’s a waste to keep buying one. On the planner I can plan out the whole month and then make sure my online calendar lines up with it and I haven’t missed anything
That’s about it. It looks a bit more than what it is when it’s written down, it’s actually quite simple. I just need to be able to note something down asap so I don’t forget.
Tip 6: Communicate Clearly with Your Inner Circle
Openly communicate with your inner circle about your feelings and holiday plans. This
Communication needs to be crystal clear for your people. Let your inner circle 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘭𝘺 how you are feeling to going into the season.
Talk to them about things like:
how you would like to spend the holidays
what you can do and your limits
what you do not want to do
if you are genuinely feeling ok
what you are planning to do to honour your baby or babies.
All of these are important. They can not know what they don't know, so give them the chance to support you as best they can by being open and honest about how you are feeling.
Tip 7: Prioritise Simple and Achievable Self-Care
During the holiday season, prioritise self-care that is simple and achievable. By all means, you deserve a beautiful grounding Epsom salts bath & should definitely treat yourself to a massage to release the tension and anxiety winding up your fascia. But… in order to cope better, we need to 𝘗𝘙𝘈𝘊𝘛𝘐𝘊𝘌 looking after ourselves. It needs to be simple and achievable. Yes, this means doing things over and over and really caring for ourselves. For me this means going back to basics. Basic routines, basic meals, basic rest, and tuning into myself to see how the hell I’m feeling.
Make an effort to be mindful 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳.
Practice 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘵 when you need it.
𝗣𝗹𝗮𝗻 so that you give yourself a chance to cope better (ie. meals, visits, activities)
Learn what 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘶𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 to calm anxiety (before it gets to a stage where you feel overwhelmed or even panic).
Tip 8: Give Yourself Permission to Skip Events Without Guilt
Yep. I said it. Don’t feel guilty about missing events. 𝘚𝘢𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 “𝘕𝘰” 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 “𝘠𝘦𝘴” 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶. Dear baby Jesus, I wish I had listened to my own advice on this one over the years. The sheer amount of functions and ‘tasks’ at the pointy end of the year is overwhelming to say the least. I used to luuuurve a good Christmas partayyyy …. I now have to be very wary what I say yes to, and what I can spend energetically when there is so much ‘cheer’ (read: energy) that needs to be spread around. This can prove difficult when you have none. Zilch. Nada.
Also, ‘𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰!’ Is a platitude that doesn’t sit well with me. Sometimes … maybe… you might. But if it’s something you have to really work yourself up for to go and then takes forever to wind down from the anxiety you need to ensure you have the reserves for that.
This year I have events leading up to Christmas. I said yes because I want to go. I am looking forward to them. If you say yes or no for yourself, either way, you are not alone x But Christmas itself is quiet this year sooooo to me that’s a win.
Grant yourself the grace to skip events that may not align with your emotional well-being. It's crucial to prioritise your mental health during this time. It's okay to say no and focus on activities that bring comfort and peace.
Tip 9: Accept and Navigate Conflicting Emotions
𝗜𝘁’𝘀 𝗢𝗞 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗽𝘆! There is a resounding voice for those of us with mental illnesses, to the chant of ‘it’s ok not to be ok’ and this is SO true. Try not to beat yourself up for feeling shit and generally not ok - I know you probably will (I already did today!!)- but please be gentle on yourself.
I want you to know that it is also 𝘰𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘉𝘌 𝘰𝘬. That you will initially have emotions come up - for me it is almost always guilt, sadness & then anger. Until I give myself some grace and realise I am allowed to enjoy life, have a laugh, watch my boys have fun, have fun myself! It takes time to understand that the life of the bereaved parent means to be in 2 worlds. Our world as a reality and a world where our baby is or if they survived. Our emotions and actions feel like they become a series of juxtapositions
Happiness and sadness
Pure joy and anger
Love and guilt
Wanting to go and wanting stay home
Having fun and wishing you weren’t
The more present we are in our lives, the easier it can be to cope. So if you are having a good day today that is totally OK!! It just means you were able to be fully present to live in the moment and experience more emotions than sadness and grief. IT’S OK TO BE HAPPY. Know that your happiness does not diminish how much you miss or love your little ones.
Tip 10: Connect with Nature to Ground Yourself:
Take intentional moments to connect with nature.𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗚𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁 𝗢𝘂𝘁𝗱𝗼𝗼𝗿𝘀! And by this I mean, it is 𝗴𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁 to at least get some time 𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗱𝗼𝗼𝗿𝘀. Sunshine and fresh air, grounding your feet on the grass. (for our sisters in the northern hemisphere this could be a bit chilly with bare feet so maybe a hot cuppa on the porch? 😉)
It is well known from research that getting morning sunlight on your eyeballs (ok retinas if you want to be technical) works to help improve mood. It can’t hurt and it doesn’t have to be a mountain hike … just 10 minutes outside (great when you need a break from a gathering also) Embrace these moments as a way to find peace and serenity during the holiday season.
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If you find these tips resonating with you and you're seeking personalised support during the festive season, I invite you to take the next step. The Next Step is a program designed to help you find light in your life again.
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Managing the waves of emotion feels challenging.
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Anxiety and overwhelm have become constant companions.
You crave a sense of calm, centeredness, and control in your life.
Your coping mechanism involves staying busy, leaving you exhausted.
Progress feels like one step forward, five steps back.
Avoiding friends and family has become a way of life.
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Wishing you strength, peace, and moments of joy during this holiday season.
As always Sending you lots of love,
Rochelle
