Back to school and the realities of parenting after pregnancy or infant loss

I’ll do it mum…

People are always surprised when I tell them that parenting after loss is like forever saying goodbye…

I re-read an article this week by @miafreedman where she talked about how having sons is like a really long break up and I gotta say that I tend to agree with her. I have been in the first week of sending our second born to kindergarten and each morning I say goodbye to him I know that I’m saying goodbye to a different little person than the day before as he learns & expands his knowledge and social circles and becomes a bigger little boy.

So his first day, which is the first day that we got to take a child to kindergarten and start big school, was mixed emotions. I was extremely happy and so excited for him. I’m very empathetic so I was also incredibly nervous with him because he’s a pretty outgoing little boy but he also still my baby boy and was clinging for dear life.

Then …. there it was - the added layer of sadness revolving around the fact his big brother is not and never will be there to share this experience or to guide him. How much he would’ve loved to have a big brother to look up to protect him. I sometimes really feel like his personality is still absolutely a middle child and deep down he wants the security blanket only an older sibling can provide.

I then spoke to a friend of mine who’s a baby loss mum too and had her second born off to kindy. She had a similar experience and a wave of grief had really hit her. We both know that sometimes the best thing to do is to talk to someone who just ‘gets it’. We need our fellow Blossums (Baby LOSS mUMS) to see us and really understand us. We’re not sad that our child is going to school any more than the next mum, either way it’s the end of an era for our families and the start of a new chapter. However, we have this layer of grief that just makes things that are sad so much sadder and they make things that are happy so much happier. Then you can be both sad and happy at once. It’s a very strange circumstance to find yourself in with all of these dualities going on. I often wonder how my mixed emotions affect my sons and how they will react emotionally in the future. Emotional regulation with PTSD is a constant work in progress… I carry so much guilt for not being as present as I wanted to be because I was grieving, I am still, and now here we are. At the next stage in life. What did I miss? Did he need me more? Was I a shit toddler mum to him? All things I ask, all just stories in my head - which comes back to needing to be present and with him right here and now.

I often say that motherhood for those of us that are bereaved, becomes motherhood to the power of baby loss. We feel and see and do all the things that mothers do but there’s an extra layer - an extra multiplication factor - in our lives that just pops up. It manifests for everyone differently. For me it is a very anxious feeling. It can happen when we least expect it, something absolutely blows out of proportion in your mind. Even when we are most prepared for this extra layer it can take a different form, it can be a different feeling or emotion than what we thought we would experience. Either way it’s always another layer - so different occasions and simple days look slightly different to us, sometimes worlds apart.

So my son and I have rode the waves of emotion this week (both his and mine) and now I am here lying next to him as he sleeps. Exhausted from his gruelling kindergarten schedule and dreaming of new places, people & things.

I’ll keep him close while I can, because tomorrow he will be different to today. So will I.

If the first day of school was hard for you, confusing or even just downright weird and you felt misunderstood - know you are not alone. Reach out to your fellow Blossums.

We see you.

We get it.

We are here.

Lots of Love

Rochelle