FIVE (years of life after baby loss)

I’m not sure why? Maybe because our family is complete? Maybe because I’ve finally exhaled? Maybe because I feel like I’m finally looking towards the future? … but this year is hard. Five is hard. It feels like a bigger milestone for some reason.

FIVE years.

Five years without you

Five years of living with a broken heart

Five years of living in pain

Five years of living split in two

Five years of living in two worlds

Five years of missing you

Five years of not knowing

Five years of imagining you each day

Five years of celebrating you from afar

Five years of learning how to parent you

Five years of surviving

Five years of fake smiles

Five years of real smiles

Five years of watching others grow

Five years of wondering

Five years of memory loss and brain fog

Five years of what if’s?

Five years of why us? why me? why him?

Five years of anger, Disbelief, Mistrust

Five years of feeling lost

Five years of lost faith

Five years of therapy

Five years of feeling like I haven’t exhaled

Five years of soul searching

Five years of searching for you in others

Five years of feeling like I don’t belong

Five years of trying so hard to heal

Five years of PTSD, anxiety & depression

Five years of insomnia

Five years of reliving our only moments

Five years of worry for others

Five years of remembering you

Five years of saying goodbye to myself

Five years of finding my authentic self

Five years of looking for purpose

Five years of missed milestones

Five years of less friends

Five years of real relationships

Five years of building this life

Five years of your dad missing you

Five years of not being all together

Five years of being your mummy.

Five years of grieving you

Five years of loving you.

Because what is grief except love that has nowhere to go.

Happy Heavenly 5th Birthday Edward. We miss you so much and wish we could have seen the little boy you would be becoming.